hergard3n

Fell

2008-10-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

He can fall IN to Love. He, too can fall OUT of love. Face that, girl.

HerGard3n.

Things

2008-10-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

Things that he says and does.

Why Does It Has To Matter?

I.Am.Such.A.Loser.

HerGard3n.

Extra Thoughts

2008-10-06T06:35:00.000-07:00

I know. I always think too much. Too much of imaginations going on in my head. Bad~

He posted up his and her photos onto facebook - a day before my birthday.

I am being selfish. But my mind says "Jackass".

*Thanks for the present* - sarcasm.

She is not bad looking.. I am not jealous of her. Instead a feeling of guilt more planted in me, because his best friend decribed her face as a 'Nailed Face'. He is an evil friend isn't he? *hah*

My mind kept on thinking and kept on asking the same question over and over again seeing those photos of him with her.

Is.He.Happy?

*

Happy Birthday to Me.

HerGard3n.

sigh

2008-09-28T08:54:00.001-07:00

Looking through photos that belonged to us. I smiled. I still smiles. Loved and missed the times. Its the seventh month going into eight month of us breaking up. I still miss you. How?

The jealous feeling is there when I see your status says you are in a relationship.

The evil thoughts always flash through my mind hoping that your relationship status will show 'Single' when I view them, sooner the better. Coz you kisses and your touch for her increases each day. I.Am.Jealous.

No more talks now. Good Night. I've got more things to do tomorrow.

Monday blues.

HerGard3n.

7months later..

2008-09-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

I miss him still..

move along...

2008-09-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

How has life been lately for you?

Mine has been rather not that busy, but somehow busy.. Confused? *laughs*

Been doing my photography works. Busy with some other projects as well.

Was deleting my messages over the phone. Accidentally saw my ex's message over the phone. The "know that I love you" part.. it's still stuck in my mind.

Have I totally forgotten him. Honestly, no.

It doesn't hurt as much as before anymore.

Having a relationship after him wasn't a smart choice. I think I hurt another one.

Somehow in this period, I feel much relaxed without anyone. Feel so relaxed.. Not exactly know what is the reason.. Thus happy feeling floating all around the semi-messy room of mine. *T-Hee*

I miss my Chindian friend. "Hey Chindian, I think I missed your call, again la.."

I'm sitting in the living room now, typing this. Thinking how is she doing now? Does she still misses him? Or she has recovered? My heart tells me that she has not forgotten him. So many things to say, so many things to tell. Where to begin? With us, we could go on like forever can we? *Laughs*

For now, I don't think I will discover or find any person to fall in love with, yet.

My love life has been a mess. And don't think I want to go throught that feeling again. Don't want and forgotten how to describe it anymore. The only feeling I could remember was "lost" and "pain". And feeling lost is a thing you really don't want to go through.
Michael Buble's "Lost" is playing in my head

Well, there is no U-turn for love. Once feel, feeling and felt. *past tense*

Don't wanna think much about it but to move on. After all, there are more to come in the future.

My future worries me.

HerGard3n.

I.Am.Normal.Post

2008-08-25T07:32:00.000-07:00

Okay. So. I am not crazy or in a dilemma.

I am totally normal!

*phew*

Thank you my friend. To prove that I am sane!

*Wahlao*

*Laughs*

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Ps: Yes. Laugh as much as you want or you can while you're on your working desk.

Pps: I'm laughing too. XD

HerGard3n.

Doubts

2008-08-20T05:57:00.000-07:00

I guess he has the whole package.

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But I don't love him?

HerGard3n.

a title called "Friends"

2008-08-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Recently people surrounding me has been having problems.

I was worried by them; now I am worried for them.

*
*
*

Dear friends "Are You Okay?"

Chindian is still having the same problem.
Resolution?
-Keep on trying? Don't ever-ever let go or give up. Don't hide the post, I have read it. Me will be there. I am sorry if I have been busy with my life. I am still figuring out my life.. Yes, I am still here waiting for graduation day and going to search and fight for my dream. :')

*
H20 is having career problem. She thinks the world is so cruel and can't face how people can be so fake and 'stab' you from the back.
Resolution?
-Keep trying!! Don't stop. In fact, NEVER stop trying!! And please, don't hide? It's the fifth day I've been trying to contact you, answer my calls will ya?? Me and Koko are really worry for you..

*
Koko. Has Albino sickness. Stressed over work and worries about his family. and wants to earn more money for studies.
Resolution?
-You dyed you eye brows and eye lashes! Good one!! *laughs*
-It must be really hard, or else you wouldn't have share with me before this; over the phone. Add more oil okay? You will get yourself your first car by next year okay?? *smiles*
-You sister. *speechless* Just be patient and listen to her okay? She will be fine. I don't know her, but the way you said it sounds like she is in real bad condition. But anyhow, support her and talk to her constantly k?

Lots loves,
your friend- HerGard3n.

Secretly Dreamt.

2008-08-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

This morning he came up and to me and apologising. Saying sorry because he didn't hug me much when we were sleeping the whole night.

The reason?
- Was: He was dreaming that I ran away with Atif (one of the guy I dated with 2.5years ago; which happens to be a really hawtt sailor and sailing at the moment.)
- He dreamt that the hawt guy, him and me were in a club, I'd only introduced him to him; claiming that he was only my friend AND not to mention "I" had run away with Atif after meeting him long time after.
- Yes. He said sorry for not hugging me tightly in his sleep.

e-hem.. I had a dream too.b>

My dream was I met my ex (which I loved more than the world and had secretly blog here).

The dream was- I met him. We were on the bed; staring at each other. We were holding and touching each others face and stared and stared at each other.

That Was My Dream.

Is that a crime?

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"Well.. I sure hope not."

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~~"And I did not tell him that."~~

P/s: I hugged him and cheered him up. His eyes were sored. He cried in his dream.

HerGard3n.

a creature called Human

2008-08-07T06:27:00.000-07:00
Yes. You are one of them if you are reading this. *chuckles*

Hell I am one myself for crying out loud!

Well, I am confused myself. I like a gentleman. It is disappearing from the earth.. Yes it is, for sure. It's so rare nowadays. Unless you are an Italian, that might work. (But they are too horny). Lols.

I have something I'd like to say. I don't know if I am in love.

Big chance that I think I am searching for it. "It" would be the feeling.
I don't think I am searching for a boyfriend. I felt like I am searching for "The One for the rest of my life" is more like it. Else, I don't think he is the one. slash/the perfect one that I want.

I am sure all the girls out there most would be having the same case as mine.

You will lose the feeling someday. If you have, then you are like me.. Searching for it- the pin point/the one/the right one/the exact feeling etc or whatever you wanna call it.

If you have not, be prepare for it. It's gonna hurt like a needle being put through the tip of your fingers. *I have not being stab through the heart, so its best to describe it this way I guess. Shh. Coz I know it'd hurt the tip of our fingers coz we learnt about it have we during high school?* Lols!

Be happy that you have felt it. Be prepare for if you have not 'taste' it. You'll hurt till your mom freaks and almost shit in her pants. (its just a matter of saying. don't get mad~)

Well. I'm being a pain in the ass aren't I?
*sigh*

I really don't know.
I myself might not know what will happen or what to follow. Coz somehow, I don't trust my words anymore. My heart is 'crAzIE' now..

One word to describe me now- "Selfish"
*I am getting selfish over meself getting the right feeling and 'betraying others feelings'. And I know it is not right.* -punch own nose-

HerGard3n.

The Snoring Animal

2008-08-06T07:42:00.000-07:00
He snores.

No it is not. Not cute.

My eye bags are growing bigger if he stays with me more often.
I swear. I want to sleep peacefully.

God. Give me some 'heavier' sleeping pills. Please.

HerGard3n.

Feeling Aww-ed

2008-08-03T02:58:00.000-07:00
Time just tells stories don't they?

I am arguing things about being gay and transgenders issues.
Dont' people always fight because they don't want someone they love to be a gay or a lesbian??

I am bicurious myself.

So what is wrong being gay or lesbians/metrosexuals/trangenders etc etc etc?
What does it matter?
I don't see how it is affecting anyone's life?
Do they??
It is just for those people who are too into religions/back-dated/OR for those people who doesn't know how to accept things as it is. It is nature. It is whats being created. Feelings exists. Falling in love with someone who has the same gender as yours, there is no wrong with it!

I am still arguing with him with this issue.
One of the reason why I left one of my darte was because he was too religious.
..and I couldn't and cannot take that.

(I kinda left the blog stucked for more than 2hours having dinner and went downstairs and finished watching 27Bridesmaid Dresses. Yea, I did.)

He called after I got kind of mad over him thinking that same-gendered-loves are wrong.

He apologized and said that he is not arguing or angry at me OR the fact of me being a bicurious.
In fact...

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He said:"I want to understand it. Just give me some time. I want to understand it. Just like how I want to understand you. (And then we started having some small talk about star signs and he said..->>A Libra= Unpredictable. I want to understand you. I'm sorry if I say I love you most of the time. But I meant it everytime I said it. I want to say it as much as I can when I am with you because I know I won't be able to say it when you leave Australia. I... I just want to tell you how much I love you.. "

I had the most -Awww-ed moment just now.

HerGard3n.

Odd Feelings

2008-07-31T20:22:00.000-07:00
Really don't know what my feelings are now.

Q: Feeling loved?
A: Yes.

Q: Loving someone?
A: Err... (come back with this question later?)

Q: Caring?
A: He cares a lot for me. Can see that he HAS totally fallen in love with me.

Q: You care?
A: Well, I feel like someone who's taking care of him. And in terms of the other kind of care.. I think I am being caring enough?? Does that answer the question?

Q: Are you happy?
A: At this moment, I think I am.

Q: Time is passing slow?
A: Nope, in fact it feels it is pasing fast. Good?

Q: Feeling?
A: Feeling odd when I am with him. It's just too fast I feel. My feelings tells me that I am just not ready to tell the world that I am with him just yet. Although he and I are like spreading it on FB and FS, but I still feel that I am just not ready to tell people "Our Story" just yet. Just hating the people who comes in and 'campuk' and question about your life wheareas usually they don't talk to you in daily life.

Q: Why aren't you ready to tell people just yet?
A: I feel I don't have the need to explain or to tell them what is going on with my life. I live for myself and yes, as well as people who surrounds me. BUT not like "Having Discussions" about my LIFE! I just don't like people discussing my life. Making sense?

Q: Close friends?
A: So far, only 3good friends knows. Hommies haven't found this out just yet. As I want it, time will pass. Am waiting for the right time.

Q: Sex?
A: Only knowing him for less than 3weeks. Sex is good. *winks* YES. He's better!! He's got more stamina than my ex. And he is the second man who has got into me. Yes. F**ked me. Loved his smiles when he's on top. His charming and the caring-loved-felt feeling were all there.

Q: Future with this man?
A: Maybe. We'll see. His dad is in the politics. Mom's a Datin. (there are pros and cons. Politics. You know what I mean..). But I do want to hope that there is future..

Q: Wealthy?
A: No idea. Curious, but I think I might just leave that there. Coz he is a gentle-charming-lovable boyfriend. Lets let this stay there and let time tell the story ey?

Q: Do you love him(again)?
A: So far, my feelings are: I miss him when he's not around. I laugh whenever I teased him and he laughs and says that although he hates it whenever I teased him, but somehow he likes to see me laugh and smile. :) Do I? You tell..

Again. Time will tell us.

HerGard3n.

It's Been a While

2008-07-27T01:32:00.000-07:00
Yea. It's been a while since I last post?

Never thought times flies by so slow before and now it's flying fast?
I am not making sense aren't I??

I am 'in a relationship' mode now.
*sigh*
Tell me about it. Ya. I am in a relationship now.
The truth???

Well the truth is, I'm scared. Don't know how this is happening and don't know if it works?
Don't even know how to deal with things when time comes.
In Love??

I have no idea..
Somehow I feel I needed someone to be there and this guy was just perfect for now.
Selfish?
Maybe I am.
I just really don't know how to deal with things anymore.

It happened too quick.
Met him in a student association group. Club together after the dinner with the bunch(But we'd only had a small chat. I guess he was definately checking my out when I was dancing on the dancefloor doin' my thang there! ;))

How did we even started I dont know!!
Okay. Student association.. Club... OH YES!!! He added me on FB.. And then Messenger.. And THEN we started to talk!! *finally remembered. Phew~*

So yes. We started talking here and there...bla bla Blah~
He asked me if my webcame needed reparing. I was like "No."
He then sent me the webcam viewing. While waiting for me to accept, I went:" Are you serious??"
Him(in a funny yet charming way):"Do I look like I'm kidding?"
*haha~* winked* ;))

And so~ We started talking.
Somehow, somewhere in between 2days of chatting. He thinks he's In Love?
WHO??
ME!!!
**$%#$%**
Yes. F**cked are you F**ckin' kidding me?!!!

Nope. He's not kidding. He is in love with me.
At first I couldn't believed it.
We went to a student trip together yesterday. (we were together a day before the trip.)
He slept over my place for 2days alrd.

My best-est & the only person who understand me the most. *woii Chindian! Yes You! Don't marah me cAn?!*
Her:"Don't rush things yea. Take it slow."
*Paiseh. I didn't.*

It's quick huh? Yeah. I know. Tell me about it. Don't ask me why and no questions for now please.
I am yet to be ready to answer anybody's questions.
He cares. And he cares for me.. k?

And no. My feelings tells me, he is no rebound. I will give him the best of me.

Thank you.

Time will prove things. I need it.

Her Gard3n.

Can You Imagine?

2008-06-11T09:10:00.000-07:00
Can you imagine? Someone you've loved so dearly actually says "I love you" to another total stranger whom you don't even know when he's met her and how he's met her??

I swear this is torturing.

I'd knew she would put a photo of him on her FB soon.
..she did. She Fucking did.

Look at his smile...
Does he say "I love you" like he did to me?
..like looking into my eyes and not say anything and just tell me that he loves me thru his pair of sparkling eyes?

I loved him.
..and I still fucking do for fuck sake.

I've been silly. I know.

It has not gone. The feeling.
As much as I said I'd move on. I fucking just can't.

I'd lost my pet recently. Had him for 10years.. He just passed 3days ago.
Its probaly good for him as he doesn't have to suffer anymore.
Too bad I didn't managed to see him till his last breath.
Loved him madly.
Don't think I will get a dog in years for now. I don't think I can take in a lost life, again; for now.
Hope 'You' will forgive me sayang.. It's probaly timed for 'You' to move on to the next life..
I'm sorry I didn't have time at all to grieve over 'You' properly just yet.
Been busy. Been really busy.

I had really need to get my life up straight before I give up on it.
..holding there~still.

Work. Work. Work.
Foreign country. Foreign people. Language barrier. Love lost. Pet lost. Grief. Family. In Between. Caught..
Feelings I can't describe. Feelings I can quite identify what is it.
Heart-broken? Definately.

To tell you the truth..
..I really don't know if I am still waiting for him to love me again for this life of mine or I am ready for another man in my life. I just don't fucking know.. just yet.

..But I think I still hoping that he would look back and realized that he's "drop" a package back and just hoping that he would come back and pick it up again..

False hope?

HerGard3n.

nite & day

2008-05-30T17:15:00.000-07:00
I have to do this.. I have to!!!!!!!!!

You have made me fall in love with you..
All the promises... those were just words...

You love me??
..during sex maybe.

Are you even sorry for what you've done?

It's me who couldn't move on. YES! I couldn't!
WHY?????
Because I LOVE YOU and you LOVED someone else now!

Went up to his Facebook and check and see for myself over and over and over again although there is no changes at all in his account for the past two days. It is definately 'in a relationship' mode.

I thought I know him well.
I'm afraid not well enough to know that he's said ' I Love You' to someone that I don't know!
A complete stranger to me.
Yet, not one for him.

What's she has that I don't??
She must be wayy better than me if you have chosen her within less than half year of knowing her.(i estimated).
She is the same age as I am.
I thought she would be younger than me. Damn for that!

Your days probaly be nicer and don't even know time passes..
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN ~~fucking~~LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Me??
I'm still hanging around here, sitting in front of the computer, going up onto fb and other accounts to see and search for you WHO don't even care single-tiny-bit for me anymore!!!!!!

*laughs*

Why should you even care anymore???
I'm the one who being hurt, not you.
You have no idea this wound has planted deeper than what you have experienced.
You make me hate reality so much.
You make me feel how a fairy tale could crash like an aeroplane thats w/o any notice.
You make me shiver non-stop that I can't even control myself.
You make me cry physically, mentally.
You gave me false hopes.
You took my virginity away.
You told me you love me.
You told me you miss me.
You told me you will love me forever. ~~Loved me for 1.5years is forever for you??!~~
You told me you would stay with me whenever I needed you.
You were the one who believed in me.
..and I believed you.
You're the one who goes to church.

But where is your confession to me? and it is your responssible to let your God know that you have hurt someone deeply and you being ignorant..

HerGard3n.

he's over me

2008-05-29T22:24:00.000-07:00
I am shivering again.
It's shiver when I'm thinking of him; and that I have lost him.
I can't control it anyhow. Its like seeing a dog shivering on the street w/o shelter that kind of shiver.

I've lost him. Completely.
Heart broken. again.

He's found himself a younger good-looking girl.
I've lost the battle.

Logged on to FB this morning and found out that his relationship has changed from being "complicated" in to "in a relationship" with someone.
It's that moment when I see it, it struck me.
Tears instantly came out of no where.
But as imaginative or silly I was, I was right.
That this kind of 'drama' would appeal. That he would have a new lover soon.

Called my friend instantly, told her what happened.
Talked to some other friends as well.
Wise words makes me feel better. But sometimes I will just fall hard.

Dreamt of getting back together with him for the whole past week.
It's the same turbulant. I'd always watched horror movies, but I'll dream of happy things.
Same concept again.
When I dreamt of getting back with him.. Bad things happened.
Him totally over me.
That whole dream getting back together with him was so clear and true till I wanted to go back to sleep again.
But somehow, I got up. Straight to the computer and found the truth out.

It's a feeling I can't pretty much describe. Couldn't utter a word..
..it's as if me seeing hailstones falling all over my body.
Just don't know if there is a hand pulling me up to a shelter.

I have been 'avoiding' my cell phone.
Coz it's the only way we've got closed and being together. All the sweet talkings.

Today I held it up and started reading those messages he sent me from the beginning till the end.
From being sweet-lovie-dovie I love yous and I miss you and I won't stop believing in you etc etc etc..
..to you magnify my weakness and you're mean and we're being emotional now, I think we should talk things over.. "know that I love".
That was the last ever 'I love you' I could ever hear from him ever. Ever in this life of mine!

...it was March 3rd 2008.

HerGard3n.

Pause

2008-05-25T01:34:00.000-07:00
I have no idea if this relationship is on a 'on hold' mode?
..or it will never happen no more?

I've been sounding desparate haven't I ?

When I closed my eyes, I feel confused.
By just purely thinking of him makes me feel so... lost? unworthy??
Don't know what's the right word for now.

Do I want him back?
Am I moving on?
I really don't know.
I feel as if I am being hang on a tree and being forced to give myself an aswer, whether I'm pleaded guilty or not for doing something I don't even realized that I have done wrong.

He's not forgiving me. He said he has. But if he has, why isn't he giving me a chance?
If we stop now, it's not going to happen anymore; "Us".
If 'we' go on, I have the feeling we will go on 'forever'.
..maybe even 'forever till we parted'.

Love.
Love?
It has become a question mark in my head, if this is love or it is just an act of selfishness Or are we just being human beings that ALWAYS WANT WHAT WE WANT?
Again, I don't know.

Time is meanest creature ever. It makes you wait, it makes you think, it makes you go through things you don't want to go through, it created memories and it hurts you..

"On Hold" or "Move On"?

HerGard3n.

Whats On The Surface, It Might Not Be True.

2008-05-20T00:29:00.000-07:00
Just read one of my friend's secret blog.
Well, don't think that I'm stealing or something. Because I'm not.
She linked me to her blog.

It was expected and un-expected at the same time.
I really don't know how to put this.

But a few months back, she'd broken up with her boyfriend.
It was her urge and insistance that got him back a month later he said he doesn't love her anymore.
It was quite un-expected.. of how a man can tell you that they don't love you anymore, but still gave you a chance?
Well, I know mine didn't give me. Bloody hell. Not even three F***in' months of beggings.

She wrote so many things in her blog that sometimes I feel he is not treating her fairly.
It feels as if he loves her today; he might not tomorrow.
Well, maybe he is forcing himself Or maybe he does loves her.
But I don't know. Is this pityness towards the girl that loves you dearly?

I know mine didn't pity me.
*laughs*
He just went straight on giving me that 'fuck off' face.
Well, I didn't exactly see him face to face.
But based on the phone calls I made and all the 'what you fucking want?!' tone of voice.. YES! He has no pity towards me.

*huge sigh*

I don't know. (again.)

I haven't talked to him more than a week.
From what I heard from his friend. He's out to cyber cafes to fill up his times.

I wished I was addicted to games. At least all you think about is how to beat those monsters on the internet.

P/s: Okay, I don't know how the game works. But yea, don't you admit it is an addiction.

***I Miss Him.

HerGard3n.

Escape

2008-05-16T08:11:00.000-07:00
This is a blog where I don't want to come in. Seriously. Really!
I've been escaping to come into this blog of mine.
I am getting over him. Now.
Can't do it instantly. But trying. No more sex life for me that is.

*laughs*

Nope. Don't care about sex life. It's his love towards me.
No more. Not there anymore.
Don't care if it comes back or not now.
I just want to 'escape' this pain now.

Don't want to feel shitty and feel that I CAN'T do anything at all for myself.
I want to stand up!
For myself.
Or maybe he will see it one day that I have changed. I don't know. I really don't.
Do I want him back in my life anymore?
I can't tell yet.
But like I said.. I want this pain to end now.
Don't want to turn back for him anymore.

I don't want things to be repetative.
Maybe if I changed and give myself a chance, maybe things will be different again.
Fun. I want to have fun with my studies and see/check out guys again.
My best friend told me I am a natural flirtatious person. Somehow i don't see that.
But yea, would like to see what comes out of it.
Enjoy. Enjoy. For now.

Loved how friends are all around me. Thanks guys.
I am sure they've fed up with my tears and whines. Thanks though.
They are always there for me.
I can't tell how much you guys mean for me.

HerGard3n.

7days

2008-04-30T21:32:00.000-07:00
Seven day..
You're not online for seven days.
Haven't talked to you for 7days.

Saw a girl sent you a testimonial
She said:"Hey babeh.. i'll see you tmr okay.. Dun be late okay.. Muacks muacks..."
Seeing these words. Typing this words. Makes me feel digusted.
You didn't approve my testimonial. I sent a blank one.
Just like we always do when we don't know what to say to each other; we send each other blank messages..

Missing you. Every single seconds.
Hate to keep searching things to do. There's not much to do here.
Nothing helped. Watched a few love movies.
The films here, sex scenes are not cencored.
Miss your touch. Every single part of my body you touched.
Your face Your hands Your body next to me..
You hands over my waist My face My neck My chest My tummie My everything..
Missed the way you look at me when you eyes tells me how much you love me.

My heart feels like marshmellow melting
it hurts.

You're not there.
Haven't appear online lately?
So many things I want to tell you.
Time is running real slow.
Wished I could turn back time.
But it will never happen. I know I am silly.

My great friend told me:"Even if you've done something wrong, if a person loves you, they will accep you for who you are.. No matter what."
I put that thought on my head and then I toss it away.
Maybe I am escaping facts. And yes. I refused to accept it.
One of my friend's GF got pregnant for somebody elses baby. He still accepted her back as his GF. R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
That was an example my great friend gave me.
But i told her that it was my fault for being selfish as well.
Really selfish.
Regretting each day.
Really hoping wishing pray? maybe not. But desired desperately wants him back!

I just don't want anything else that i have asked for.
No changes.
Nothing!
NOTHING anymore AT ALL that I want.. I just want to cherish your love for me and a day to love you more...............................................

Losing you is my biggest mistake so far.
I.AM.SORRY.

P/s:
Me: You reading my post? Its a bit geli though.
Her: Geli pun geli lah! I will read it. It's the precious moment you share with each other. Amd must be beautiful to you."
My heart is tearing again.
My mind:"yes it was."

HerGad3n.

another day..

2008-04-21T02:47:00.000-07:00
really ran out of thoughts
if he still loves me OR does he not
really dont know
and fed up.

dreamt i had sex with him
it didnt occur to me at all.. i mean sex
it had never crossed my mind at all
all i have thought about was him coming back
not the sex part!
sigh
i really dont know
lost.

he is the first man i'd even had sex with
and i want it to be the first and the last
no one shall get into me ever for this life of mine.

..unless if we really didn't work out.

talked to him two days ago
he's finally asked how i was doing
he passed his test
i feel so proud of him.

fact that he asked me how was i
it made my day.

tried calling him a couple of times just now
he didn't pick up
in fact, he turned of his phone
he is not a vain person
i can tell u this
he is a very loving person
despite what i am writing here
it all might sound like he is a vain person
i can tell you this here
he is not.

feel really lost now
not going anywhere
even it was ONLY less than two months it happened
but it felt like 2years
i've lost the sense of time.

just hope and pray that he will not fall in love with other woman out there
i still care for him
yes i do
i love this man
forever it may be.

hergard3n.

self-world

2008-04-18T08:42:00.000-07:00
i'm crying again.
just cant stop can i??
listened to too many emo songs tonight.
really running out of words to express myself
he's not online for two days
cant help it; didnt listen to my friendd's advice, hope she doesnt feel upset coz i didnt tell her that i call. again.

he is watching a match i think. his frien'd im said something about MU.
his voice seems much relaxed than two days ago; he sounded exhausted.
i miss you. that is what i want to tell you.
are you there listening to me? can you hear my heart & mind?
Because I can't listen to yours.

Hate myself for being so weak.
you are just not there for me
i was being a jerk have i?
miss u badly
miss u terribly
are you there?
are you listening to me?
the wall between us.. when is it going to break?
when will you hear me
when will you give me a chance
i miss you badly
how many times i want to say that
i'm telling no one except talking to myself abd telling my friends how much i miss him
they must have feel fed up already

yea. losing myself in the self world again have i?
cant let you go
dont know if you still loves me as the way it was
are you hiding your love to let me be respossible more for myself?
cant do it. i can do it...no! yes!!! struggleing thru this is hard.. hate how crappy i feel now.

no one there is there?

hergad3n.

Lost

2008-04-13T07:26:00.000-07:00
Really don't know.
Where am I?
Where am I going?
He has not talk to me 3days. Just can't stop staring at the monitor to see if he comes online.
Today the whole day.. He finally appeared. For 5minutes in the msn.
The time shows 6.44pm in the Facebook where he appeared to approved a friend's request.
Yes. I sound creepy don't I? Stalker?
*Sigh*
I really don't know.
I'm overseas. He's there; else where.

Really clueless.

Assignments, works etc. A lot of work. But I don't seem to interest any of those.
Really sad. Shed tears more than 7times a week. Can't seem to sleep well.

Losing faith? I don't know. I really don't know..

Work!!!! It's been up there in my mind everyday everynight every second!!
Can't get it off me!
But HE is the main reason that has distracted.
How I wished I could turn back time. Really hate this.
Hate the feeling of being at home, doing nothing BUT just purely him him HIM all over my mind.

He has not leave my mind. Not one second.

Confession: Met a guy in the bar. No, actually I'd texted him. Met him in a party. He's a loser I feel. He couldn't even pay the 3dollar entrance fee to the bar. I paid for hid drinks. He was nice.. Well not the $$ part. But he was really nice in terms of talking to me. He's lost his engagement a couple of months ago as well. And her name was as same as mine. He's been picking up girls according to him. He just wants to have fun now. He wanted me to go to his place. But I refused. Yes, I refused. It was tempting though to be honest. I have never felt I needed someone so so much at this point. We kissed. Yes we did. It was really wrong. And I know it. I kissed with my eyes closed. He said I was a good kisser. I want the feeling back. It's just now the same. The feeling of a guy sweet talking to me and a guy whom I fought with frequently but have strong feelings towards him.

I just couldn't help it. I miss his cuddles, his kiss on my forehead, my nose,my cheeks and my thin lips. And his touch.. The way he lays his hand on my face and kiss me... Oh God!! Why this is happening???? I want him back.. I'd do anything to have him back... Just please tell me what I should do.....

It's crazy. I feel completely miserable. Without him talking to me everynight before I go to sleep and tells me how much he loves me.

Cry... That is all I could do now.

I can't decribe how much I love this man. He is just the perfect amongst the perfect for me.

He is the one I want to marry.

The feelings.. Please don't fade. Come back to him please.

I love him. I love him. I love him dearly. Is he thinking bout me as well?

Miserable,
hergard3n.

There; but not there.

2008-04-02T02:42:00.000-07:00
You said you want some time to consider having me back.

I was really happy to hear that.. :')

I will wait for your answers. Thank you for re-considering this relationship. It really helped a lot. At least I know that you still loves me, but really angry at me..

I'm thinking about you sayang...

Haven't seen you online tonight. My housemate's pc blew up, she needs me pc to do her assignments. I guess you won't be seeing me online or put on 'away' in msn messenger tonight..

Having lots of things happening in class. Mat sallehs' looking down on us(asians) and they seem to dislike us a lot.

But will try my best to cope up with my work. Coz me and my chinese classmates are behind schedule. *sigh* Ganbatte! ^o^

Miss you baby...

P/s: Winds are blowing really hard and loud outside. I can feel the rain hitting on my windows and the building moving bits. *scared* :S

HerGard3n.

Unpredictable

2008-03-28T04:46:00.000-07:00
Once you told me that you LOVE me and that you will not leave me even if I'm dead!

Now you are being cold to me? What is THIS?

Is there not any feelings towards me anymore??

If you ask me if I was spying on you? Maybe not 'spy', but I want to know what has been up with your life that you HAVE TO let me go just like that?!

I cry everyday. Yes. Everyday!

All my mind, it's you ALL OVER me!

Where are you?? Have you lost somewhere in your mind?

What is going on?

Please sort it out soon.. Because I am going crazy just to think if you are there thinking about me as well?

Why is your LOVE so Unpredictable?

Why is it so hard to LOVE one person and having working at the same time?

Why is it so hard just to ask me "How are you?"??

Why is it so hard to even tell me to "FUCK OFF"?

Then I will never ever appear in your life anymore!!!

Tell me please....Please i beg you...Please...Please...........

HerGard3n.

Making Contacts with Him

2008-03-24T21:53:00.000-07:00
Making contacts with him is really painful.

He doesn't pick up his phone calls, he doesn't reply my messages, he ignored my friendster messages, he ignored me in facebook.. He is completely ignoring me.

Not sure if he is still there busy for his studies or really,completely lost the feelings towards me. I'd talked to his good friend, he told me to call and try my best to make contacts with him. And that I should keep on trying to call and send him messages until he make contact with me.. Does that work?

Now I feel so clueless!

Whether to make contacts with him or not make any contacts with him. I'm lost. I am just taking advices everyone's who are closed to me..and not knowing what IS the right thing to do.

Knowing the fact that NO ONE is going to care so much about your own self than their own bussiness! It hurts a lot.. He is there; I am here..Not knowing what I should do instead of following what's there for me to get him back..It's pain..It's pain...

Where is he? What is he doing now? Still online in friendster? Still playing poker in Facebook? Or just busy studying?

"Do you still love me?" This question has not leave me.

The word "Wait" is pain the ass, seriously. But that is ALL that I can do!

"Wait."

HerGard3n.

Beneficial

2008-03-21T02:54:00.000-07:00
People tend to do whats beneficial for themselves; they hardly think about others.

I was and still will do things that benefits myself. But not on you, anymore.

It has been my wrongs that get me to this.

You see a salesman, they want commisions from their company..
You see a housewife, they want discounted goods..
You see a teenager, they want to be able to feel confident and walk out that door and be the attention..
You a see a guy with a prostitute, they want sex!
Even a blogger, they create blogs.. Why? Coz it benefits them!

Me?
My mistake was I was too selfish and kept on pushing him and what happenes next?
I lost him.

This is the act of 'Selfish'.

Yes, sometimes things do go the way you want and it benefits you.
BUT sometimes, think of the consequences before you do it. Coz it might cost you more than what you have got for yourself.

HerGard3n.

Her Post

2008-03-21T01:51:00.000-07:00
Maybe no matter how I try, you're not coming back to me...
I'm shaking again. Its been last week since I called and said:"I will wait for you.."
I don't want to lose you.
My best friend told me to let you go, you know I just can't. It takes a lot of courage to love you and to let you go..its ever harder.

I've been selfish. When you know that you love a person, you'd push him more to expect more from them. And not knowing that I have 'squeezed' all I can from you.. It's been my bad.

Not to the extent to know that I have lost you!

I love you. I'm really sorry...

I've not know how it would be like to lose you when I was still with you..

Tears drooling down my cheeks. It tells me that I am in great pain.

To lose you is the same thing as losing my breath.

How can I go on without you?

You told me that you are driving and couldn't talk. I wonder if your parents are with you; that you feel awkward to talk to me? Or is it that you just don't want to talk to me?

I want and at the same time I don't want to know the truth. What is the truth?

Please talk to me? It's been a weeks since I hear your voice. It takes a lot of courage and patience not to push or stress you out to talk to me...

Oh time...Please speed this period and let me know the answer please?

HerGard3n.