nite & day

I have to do this.. I have to!!!!!!!!!

You have made me fall in love with you..
All the promises... those were just words...

You love me??
..during sex maybe.

Are you even sorry for what you've done?

It's me who couldn't move on. YES! I couldn't!
WHY?????
Because I LOVE YOU and you LOVED someone else now!

Went up to his Facebook and check and see for myself over and over and over again although there is no changes at all in his account for the past two days. It is definately 'in a relationship' mode.

I thought I know him well.
I'm afraid not well enough to know that he's said ' I Love You' to someone that I don't know!
A complete stranger to me.
Yet, not one for him.

What's she has that I don't??
She must be wayy better than me if you have chosen her within less than half year of knowing her.(i estimated).
She is the same age as I am.
I thought she would be younger than me. Damn for that!

Your days probaly be nicer and don't even know time passes..
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN fuckingLOVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Me??
I'm still hanging around here, sitting in front of the computer, going up onto fb and other accounts to see and search for you WHO don't even care single-tiny-bit for me anymore!!!!!!

*laughs*

Why should you even care anymore???
I'm the one who being hurt, not you.
You have no idea this wound has planted deeper than what you have experienced.
You make me hate reality so much.
You make me feel how a fairy tale could crash like an aeroplane thats w/o any notice.
You make me shiver non-stop that I can't even control myself.
You make me cry physically, mentally.
You gave me false hopes.
You took my virginity away.
You told me you love me.
You told me you miss me.
You told me you will love me forever. Loved me for 1.5years is forever for you??!
You told me you would stay with me whenever I needed you.
You were the one who believed in me.
..and I believed you.
You're the one who goes to church.

But where is your confession to me? and it is your responssible to let your God know that you have hurt someone deeply and you being ignorant..




HerGard3n.

he's over me

I am shivering again.
It's shiver when I'm thinking of him; and that I have lost him.
I can't control it anyhow. Its like seeing a dog shivering on the street w/o shelter that kind of shiver.

I've lost him. Completely.
Heart broken. again.

He's found himself a younger good-looking girl.
I've lost the battle.

Logged on to FB this morning and found out that his relationship has changed from being "complicated" in to "in a relationship" with someone.
It's that moment when I see it, it struck me.
Tears instantly came out of no where.
But as imaginative or silly I was, I was right.
That this kind of 'drama' would appeal. That he would have a new lover soon.

Called my friend instantly, told her what happened.
Talked to some other friends as well.
Wise words makes me feel better. But sometimes I will just fall hard.

Dreamt of getting back together with him for the whole past week.
It's the same turbulant. I'd always watched horror movies, but I'll dream of happy things.
Same concept again.
When I dreamt of getting back with him.. Bad things happened.
Him totally over me.
That whole dream getting back together with him was so clear and true till I wanted to go back to sleep again.
But somehow, I got up. Straight to the computer and found the truth out.

It's a feeling I can't pretty much describe. Couldn't utter a word..
..it's as if me seeing hailstones falling all over my body.
Just don't know if there is a hand pulling me up to a shelter.

I have been 'avoiding' my cell phone.
Coz it's the only way we've got closed and being together. All the sweet talkings.

Today I held it up and started reading those messages he sent me from the beginning till the end.
From being sweet-lovie-dovie I love yous and I miss you and I won't stop believing in you etc etc etc..
..to you magnify my weakness and you're mean and we're being emotional now, I think we should talk things over.. "know that I love".
That was the last ever 'I love you' I could ever hear from him ever. Ever in this life of mine!


...it was March 3rd 2008.






HerGard3n.

Pause

I have no idea if this relationship is on a 'on hold' mode?
..or it will never happen no more?

I've been sounding desparate haven't I ?

When I closed my eyes, I feel confused.
By just purely thinking of him makes me feel so... lost? unworthy??
Don't know what's the right word for now.

Do I want him back?
Am I moving on?
I really don't know.
I feel as if I am being hang on a tree and being forced to give myself an aswer, whether I'm pleaded guilty or not for doing something I don't even realized that I have done wrong.

He's not forgiving me. He said he has. But if he has, why isn't he giving me a chance?
If we stop now, it's not going to happen anymore; "Us".
If 'we' go on, I have the feeling we will go on 'forever'.
..maybe even 'forever till we parted'.

Love.
Love?
It has become a question mark in my head, if this is love or it is just an act of selfishness Or are we just being human beings that ALWAYS WANT WHAT WE WANT?
Again, I don't know.

Time is meanest creature ever. It makes you wait, it makes you think, it makes you go through things you don't want to go through, it created memories and it hurts you..

"On Hold" or "Move On"?



HerGard3n.

Whats On The Surface, It Might Not Be True.

Just read one of my friend's secret blog.
Well, don't think that I'm stealing or something. Because I'm not.
She linked me to her blog.

It was expected and un-expected at the same time.
I really don't know how to put this.

But a few months back, she'd broken up with her boyfriend.
It was her urge and insistance that got him back a month later he said he doesn't love her anymore.
It was quite un-expected.. of how a man can tell you that they don't love you anymore, but still gave you a chance?
Well, I know mine didn't give me. Bloody hell. Not even three F***in' months of beggings.

She wrote so many things in her blog that sometimes I feel he is not treating her fairly.
It feels as if he loves her today; he might not tomorrow.
Well, maybe he is forcing himself Or maybe he does loves her.
But I don't know. Is this pityness towards the girl that loves you dearly?

I know mine didn't pity me.
*laughs*
He just went straight on giving me that 'fuck off' face.
Well, I didn't exactly see him face to face.
But based on the phone calls I made and all the 'what you fucking want?!' tone of voice.. YES! He has no pity towards me.

*huge sigh*

I don't know. (again.)

I haven't talked to him more than a week.
From what I heard from his friend. He's out to cyber cafes to fill up his times.

I wished I was addicted to games. At least all you think about is how to beat those monsters on the internet.


P/s: Okay, I don't know how the game works. But yea, don't you admit it is an addiction.



***I Miss Him.





HerGard3n.

Escape

This is a blog where I don't want to come in. Seriously. Really!
I've been escaping to come into this blog of mine.
I am getting over him. Now.
Can't do it instantly. But trying. No more sex life for me that is.

*laughs*

Nope. Don't care about sex life. It's his love towards me.
No more. Not there anymore.
Don't care if it comes back or not now.
I just want to 'escape' this pain now.

Don't want to feel shitty and feel that I CAN'T do anything at all for myself.
I want to stand up!
For myself.
Or maybe he will see it one day that I have changed. I don't know. I really don't.
Do I want him back in my life anymore?
I can't tell yet.
But like I said.. I want this pain to end now.
Don't want to turn back for him anymore.

I don't want things to be repetative.
Maybe if I changed and give myself a chance, maybe things will be different again.
Fun. I want to have fun with my studies and see/check out guys again.
My best friend told me I am a natural flirtatious person. Somehow i don't see that.
But yea, would like to see what comes out of it.
Enjoy. Enjoy. For now.

Loved how friends are all around me. Thanks guys.
I am sure they've fed up with my tears and whines. Thanks though.
They are always there for me.
I can't tell how much you guys mean for me.



HerGard3n.